Saturday, July 4, 2015

What is that feeling anyway???

It's a terrible feeling.
You know that feeling when something is wrong, but you don't know what!
When everything people say sounds like a loud buzz in your ears.
When you just can't find the goodness, or the positive side, or the light.
What is this feeling anyway? 
They say you can be surrounded by a million people and still it feels like there is no one.
When the people you are supposed to be able to laugh with, share with, and talk to,
are the ones you feel so distant from.
Why can't we tell people the truth, 
when they say "how are you today",                                  why do we just say fine.
Maybe we aren't fine, maybe we need to scream, I can't breathe, I'm sad and I don't know why.
Nope, we just say "fine".
You know that feeling where you just want to cry                                                                                                                                  and everything that everyone says to you makes you weep.
But you weep Quietly,
In the shower, you weep, while you are driving, you weep,      after everyone is asleep, you weep …                                        the warm, salty tears roll down your cheeks.
Wanting to talk and having no one you feel you can talk to,    even your closest friend seems wrong.
It's a terrible place to be, when you want to run away for a bit, and have no idea where to run away to.
It's a terrible place to be!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

TIME … it just continues to fly by!

Sunset on Seal Beach
When I was a little girl growing up I could never wait for tomorrow.
It seemed like the hours went by so slowly, especially when I was waiting.

I couldn't wait for summer to come and school to be over,
I couldn't wait for summer to end and school to start.
I couldn't wait for Friday so I could play all weekend with my friends,
and I couldn't wait for the weened to be over so I could go back to school with my friends.
I couldn't wait to be a little older so I could have more freedom,
and once I had that freedom and realized it came with responsibility
I wished I was young again and had no worries.
I couldn't wait for the ice-cream truck to come by at night, it seemed I waited for the tune from his truck all day long.
I couldn't wait for so many things,
especially to grow up and not have to answer to anyone.
Fast Forward … and I do mean fast up to today.
Here I am, all grown up and gosh don't I sometimes wish I could go back to being a child again.
My mom always said, "don't rush time, it goes fast enough". 
Wow, was she ever right.
She was pretty much right about everything, 
though I never would have told her that way back when.
She was a smart cookie, and brave too, she had it all together even though life tried so hard to knock her down on a daily basis.
Looking back,
I wish now I could go back to moments in my life and enjoy them all over again.
Enjoy the people who were such a big part of making me who I am.
I'd spend more time talking to my mom while she hung clothes on the line in our backyard.
I'd sit and crack more Brazil nuts for my dad and listen to his boyhood stories.
I'd walk down the boardwalk in Wildwood one last time with Brian.
I'd spend more time enjoying the little things in life,
because I know now how quickly life goes,
how short life really is in the grand scheme of things.
In memory of:
My dad, Charles Henry who has been gone  for almost 41 years.
My mom, Pauline Therese who has been gone for almost 8 years.
My husband, Brian Fielding who has been gone for 3 years.
What we once enjoyed and deeply loved
we can never lose
for all that we love deeply
becomes a part of us.
-Helen Keller-

Friday, January 2, 2015

Welcome 2015

It's a New Year
It's a New Day

How did that happen, where did 2014 go so quickly?
It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating our move to California,
Learning to live as a new blended family.
Closing Probate finally after 2 years.
Adjusting …
Adjusting …
Adjusting …

That's really what life is all about I think.
There is always something new, something different, something changing that requires us to stop and think about how we will adjust to the changes in our lives.
I believe that each morning when we wake up,
life gives us a new chance to start over,
to make new and better choices,
to rewrite our story,
and to
make changes
and adjust.
Yesterday is already history,
tomorrow is definitely a mystery, 
but today is yours to create.
Don't waste your chance to make the changes you need to make.
Don't pass up the chance to be a part of changing the world you live in.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
do it now,
lose the weight,
try something new,
take a trip,
tell someone you love them,
just do it.

Happy New Year to all my family and friends.
May you realize all your dreams in 2015.
Love you all,

Friday, November 21, 2014

Helping One Another …

I wouldn't consider myself a preachy kind of person.
I do have beliefs, deep beliefs and as I get older they are becoming more important to me.

I love the world we live in, but I'd love it more if people would step up and help to make the changes we so desperately need.
I'm tired of hearing people say they care, but they don't have time to help.
I'm tired of people blaming every one else for the wrongs in this world, especially when they do nothing to make it any better.
How many times have you walked past a homeless person on a cold day and looked the other way because it's easier than facing them while you hurry on your way, warm and comfortable.
How many times have you looked the other way when you see something bad happening to another human being?
How many times have you said "I"ll keep you in my prayers" and then gotten so busy you forget, or you think to yourself, so many people are praying for them my little prayer wouldn't make a difference.  
Do you rip up the donation envelopes from the cancer society and say, I can't afford it right now, someone else will cover it.
One day you may need that prayer someone asked you for.
You might need a warmer jacket or a pair of gloves.
You might be the person being abused and need a ride to a safe place.
Life changes on a daily basis, 
everything we take for granted can be so quickly taken away.
Stop looking the other way … help change the world, 
it will make a difference.
Pick a cause, any cause will do, there are so many out there to root for and to stand for. It doesn't matter which one you pick, what does matter is that you make your choice. How can anyone stand idly by and do nothing to help your fellow man. Help make changes, don't be afraid to make some noise, let the world know you are out there and you are not Going down without a fight, help make things better for your children and for their children and for all the generations to come. It is inconceivable to think that we as compassionate, loving, caring human beings can live on this earth and ignore what is happening around you on a daily basis. There are so many little things each of us can do that will become the equivalent of many huge things. Imagine if every living human being in this world donated one dollar to a cause. Think of all the cures that could be found for illness and diseases. It's time to stop waiting for someone else to do the right thing, be the example and maybe everyone else will follow. We need to stop fighting one another and take care of the changes we need to see in this world.
In the words of the immortal Dr. Seuss: Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better, it's not.

Friday, September 19, 2014

It's a Bugs Life After All ...

Oh Lord ...
I have to say that I have never,
seen as many bugs and creepy, crawly things
as I have seen since moving to Southern California.
Upon setting foot in the yard of our house
the evening we arrived  here in Long Beach...
Patrick looked down and saw a snake.
OK,  just a garden snake, but a snake none the less.
Ewww ... 
I yelled and Morgan jumped,
we ran for the door and found safety in the house.
Maybe that little snake was the neighborhood welcoming committee.
Thankfully, we have not seen a snake since that evening.
We quickly found out however that our home was infested with 
creatures of every other kind.
loads and loads of spiders.
Not just little ones, but big, huge spiders.
Just the other evening I went out to the back patio with the dogs,
I looked down and saw a web near the bottom of the house.
Then I saw "IT" ...
the owner of the web.
She was black and on her belly she had a big red spot.
WHAT ... a black widow in my yard at my feet.
Thank God for hard bottomed shoes,
I stepped on her ... over and over again,
even though I knew she was dead, I just had to make sure.
Whew, one less spider to worry about, but not the 1st Black Widow we have seen here.
Then there are the Lizards!
Every size ... and they are fast little buggers.
I watch them safely from inside the family room while they run up and down the brick wall
between our house and the neighbors.
I don't mind them because I hear they eat bugs,
but I don't want them in my house.  Morgan found a baby lizard in her shower one morning,
and very bravely killed that little sucker.
I sure wish they'd eat all those ugly Black Widow spiders.
Centipedes ... Crickets ... Cockroaches
all those "C" bugs.
Where the heck do they come from, and why are there so many of them here?
Cockroaches,  I've never had them in my house in my life, 
 ummm .. until I moved here. 
 I called an exterminator immediately when we figured out what they were.                                            I said "can you get here in half an hour" ... "nope, but I can be there tomorrow" ... "you mean I have to sleep in this house with those bugs here".  We survived the night, not without nightmares though.
The exterminator came out right on time ...
he says to me,                                                                                                         "it's not your house, it's plenty clean, these roaches come up through the drains".
Uggg ... does that mean I might see them again?
Well ... maybe, but probably not for a year or so ... of course it's been a year,
so I guess it's time to spray again.
We literally live right across the street from the river bed, granted it's a cement river bed, but every single strange creature that could exist, does exist in that river bed.
It isn't a very big hike for them to cross the street.
Skunks, Coyotes, Squirrels, Snakes, Rats, Mice, Possums and Bugs                             (including roaches and spiders)                                                                                   and the list goes on and on.
No one told me about the bugs ...
I still would have moved here, but man, I would have thought twice about living near a river bed.
This might explain by the way why I don't go camping,
Bugs and Tania ... we don't mix well.

Monday, September 15, 2014

It's Never As Easy As It Should Be ...

Life that is ... it's never as easy as it should be.
I used to blog about only good things, and about the things that made me happy.
Now it seems whenever I come to my blog to type a new post I am lost.
Lost you say ...
maybe it's just scattered ...
why you might ask ... 
I always have a millions things running through my head.
I typically haven't been sleeping well.
I am usually in pain because of my Achilles Tendon Issues.
This Peri-menopause stuff is CRAP, CRAP, CRAP.
Hot-flashes are the worst!
Money always seems hard to find, while the bills are never ending.
I'm still waiting to hear from my attorney on the status of probate,
which might I add has been open and going on for over 2-1/2 years now.
There are diet's to contend with,
and doctors appointments.
Just when you fix one thing something new comes up.
There are family issues,
kid issues ...
friend issues ... 
it's never ending it seems,
 there are even the occasional relationship issues.
Working on a new relationship can send everyone into a bad place.
It seems we can never make every one happy.
Just when you think you've figured it all out
something new comes up.
What everyone needs to remember is that ... 
WE are only HUMAN.
We are in love ... 
We want a life together.
We want that life to include all of "our" people.
We are not trying to hurt, segregate, or disown anyone,
we want to see all our people happy, 
living the lives that make them the happiest.
When our people are happy, we are happy.
You must allow us to live our lives as well though,
knowing that every day will bring something new and perhaps challenging for us.
Everyone is entitled to a bit of happiness in life,
 it is so hard to find, so when you do,
 you need to grab hold with everything you've got in you and hang on for dear life.
Working on all life's challenges together ...
making the best of the things life throws at us on a daily basis.

Change ...
It can be a good thing, so let it happen and join us for the ride.

Happiness they say, sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Home ... It Builds You

 Once upon a time I lived in a house on a street in Norwich, CT.
I moved into that house when I married Brian.
It was my first home in a marriage, I had always lived in rentals in my previous marriage.
This house was a happy place.
We loved our neighbors, The Sheehan's, and they loved us right back, in fact when we moved they did everything in their power to try and get us to stay.

 When Brian passed away I wondered how I would be able to stay in this home,
our family home.

When it became apparent that I could not stay in the home,  I listed it on the market at what we thought was a fair price, $199,900.   Months later when we had no action, we dropped the price to $179,900.  Still no buyers, so we dropped it again, this time to a price very close to what Brian owed on the mortgage, $159,000.  Nothing and more nothing. 

 It became clear as the months went on that I would need to leave the home, so after weighing the pros and cons I decided to pack it up, clean it out, throw away years of treasures and move to California.  Start over, start fresh and see what life had to offer.  The attorney said, stop paying the mortgage, we'll get a deed in lieu of foreclosure, no penalties for me, I never owned it.

 Done and done, probate approved my handing it back to the bank and that was it.  Brian's house, our home was no longer mine.  The bank went in and fixed it up a bit, and upon my snooping on Zillow the house is finally pending sale, it's going for even less then I was asking.

 New paint, sanded floors, and even new rugs.
More than I could afford to do for it.

The new family will fall in love with it I hope.
They will make it their home, and like Brian be proud to own it.
They will only know how much he loved his home when they meet Mark and Beth, who I know will surely pass on the stories we filled it with.

 They will cook in my kitchen, and perhaps they will hear echoes of me saying how much I hated the ugly brown tile walls, and how I thought it was too small and old fashioned, but will they know how many delicious meals I turned out there.  I hope so.

 It cleaned up nice, but gosh, I hope the new owners eventually strip that tile off the walls and give it a fresh new look.  I still think that tile is ugly.

 Morgan loved her bedroom, she loved the fan and new light fixture we had put in for her, and she loved that her room looked out on the street.  It was her quiet place.  She cried when we left that room for the last time (shh, don't tell her but I cried too).  I'm hoping she'll always remember the good memories there, I know though that she will never forget the ghosts, oh yes, our home was haunted.

 My bedroom, well it never looked like this when I lived there.  A dusky blue rug, with blue trim around the doors and windows.  It was large and comfortable, but I always wished it had been in the front of the house and not the back.  

 I remember when I moved in thinking it was odd that there was a small room off the bedroom with my closet.  I found out quickly it was meant to be a baby nursery.  We left the cow border up the whole 12 years, it always made me smile.

 The spare room, next door to Morgans bedroom, was always called the bunny room.
It had a bunny rabbit border up when I moved in.  The walls were green and it felt meant for a small child.  Morgan loved the room, and when we had "live in" guests like Joe or my mom when she came to visit, they always used this room.  I'll never forget the day Brian fell through the attic eaves into the ceiling of this room, he wasn't hurt, so we had the hole patched and then had a great story to tell to guests.

 The house had a full walk up attic, two rooms, one originally a bedroom though not used as such while we lived there and one for storage.  I like what the bank did with it ... rugs and new walls sure make it seem more comfortable.

Finally, the back enclosed patio.  Beautiful blue stones and a working fireplace.  I spent many a day back there reading and we had many bbq's there as well.
For as much as I complained that I wanted to sell this home and move to a warmer, smaller place, I have many good memories there as well.
It was my home,
It was Brian's home
It was Morgan's home.
I hope and pray a good family will buy it and build wonderful memories there too.

The following pictures were taken in front of our home after we shut the front door and locked it behind us never to enter again.  Morgan put on a brave face but there were plenty of tears shed, because no matter how many times you complain about a place, you cannot erase the good times you had there. May they always be memories we carry within our hearts.